Baseball – The bastard stepchild of sports

Lets just get right down to it. Baseball is for fags, losers, and non-athletes. Here’s why:

10. Women can play it. By very definition this disqualifies it from being a sport.

Clean-up Pitcher for the Boston Bon-Bons

9. Morbid obesity is neither frowned upon nor is it a detriment to baseball performance.

Here stands the pinnacle of pitching prowess with D-cup tits and capri pants at no extra charge

8. Its played with pants on and a chew in. This isnt gay but it is fucking silly so its making the list.

7. The coach wears the same dumbass uniform that the players do.

You sir are cruddin. Not only is your job on the field ridiculous but so is your attire.

6. Getting on a base 45% of the time is considered great though its worth no points. Only a guy willing to settle on boning another guy would be okay with failure being grounds for making the all star team.

5. There are only three possible highlights of baseball. Fat guy hits it over an arbitrarily placed fence of varying depth (based on no standardized rule). Fat guy hits it… Puerto Rican catches it, or fat guy hits it and stereotypical flat billed goatee’d dickface drops it. Thats it.

4. There are 2,430 games in the MLB regular season. Assuming 3 scores total in each game and and an active roster of 25 people per team that works out to an astounding 182,250 congratulatory post score pats on the ass per season.

If this isn't gay then neither is Elton John

3. The overtly complicated hand signals. Seriously? Don’t act like there are plays in baseball. You hit the ball and you jog to the next base. And even if you did have set plays. Do you really need thirty hand signals that involve grabbing your dick, scratching your ass, and wiping your nose? You might as well just say, “Hey guy with the bat, run that play where you hit the ball far and we get a point.”

Pure genius right here

2. Its considered exciting when a game ends with a team never getting on base. You’d have to be completely fucked in the head to like watching a game where one team blew so hard. Which coincident would have it, is a pre-req for being a faggot.

1. Alex Rodriguez

Must have been a sale on a pair of balls at first base

Leave it to a baseball player to make smoking a cigar into something phallic and offputting

Mythical Man Move #1: The ClamTower

Here at the Pork headquarters you’d be hard pressed to tell a tale of true debauchery without being asked if you successfully completed mythical man move #1: the clam tower. A true treat for any unsuspecting lady, it was invented in ancient Mesopotamia by the epic hero Gilgamesh. According to Sumerian scholars  good ol’ Gilga had the knack for nurturing the naughty bits. On his heroic quest he stopped off on the isle of Lesbos for a little r&r and learned the fine art of the muff dive. Inspired, he tooted on down to the local pub in search of local lady deserving of such an unpalatable manuever. No such women were found so Gilga did what modern day men might be inclined to call “hogging”. Essentially he drank enough to pound it out with a fat chick. However, Gilga never shied  away from a challenge so when the time came for the hog dive he took a deep breath bent down and in one swift movement heaved the woman into the air, caught her with her legs over his shoulders, and went to clam town. In memory of his tastebud sacrifice, the Porkteam has honored this hero with a permanent sex move name known affectionately as the clam tower. In addition the Gilgamesh Method was established which seems to be at least 60% effective in determining a girl’s overall sex appeal. Instead of ranking according to looks the scale ends with a 10 meaning that a successful clamtower would be a thing of ease with little to no back pain the next day and no odiferous compounds expected while a 1 would indicate an absolute certainty that the the lifter would endure lasting injury including but not limited to several slipped discs and at least one blown out knee. In addition the feaster would expect the clam in question to taste of kitty litter and aged capicola. To be clear here, the move and scale is explained pictorially below:

Ancient Cave Drawing of the ClamTower

This is a 10

This is a 1. In fact this was wildly offensive to look up.

Bikers are Assholes

Nothing screams cocksucker louder than a middle aged leather bound asshole flying by on a hog. Write that down, its a fact. If you don’t believe me just google harley bikers and you’ll literally see a pic of a dude blowing another dude. It ruined my whole day even quicker than this black chick will invert your boner

Hold on playa

or this fat ass will make you giggle.

Give me a fucking break

The point here is that I don’t like bikers at all. I dont like the noise they create, the god forsaken women they haul around, their lackadaisical breaking of every possible traffic law, their general incestuous appearance, or their absurd tattoos.

The Swayzetaur

The only conceivable character flaw more preposterous than biking is the visible red flag of failure you know as obesity. Nothing says early adult onset diabetes quite like, “yes as a matter of fact I will super-size my bag of burgers combo”. But that colloquy will have to wait for a later date. The task at hand is to dissuade any would-be motorcyclist out of the downward spiral  that starts with hog riding and mud trucking and ends with man dancing and dude goofing. Honestly, when is the last time anyone on the planet saw an acceptable woman riding with a leather-laden assbag on a harley. Never, because it hasn’t happened. To summarize if you’re thinking about being a biker then stop. If you’re already a biker then hold your breath indefinitely.

And for the Je ne sais quoi, I leave you today with a colossal combination of rotundity and silliness. Excellent vehicle selection ma’am.

Protect your Jack Link's beef jerky my friends, Sasquatch has gone mobile!

Swooping – A Man’s Game

Swooping – a fascinating skill game involving the whimsical act of distracting a young gent from his female companion long enough for an awaiting friend to “swoop” in, tell elaborate tales of grandeur (all lies of course) and ultimately be awarded the keys to the city of poon town.

If this is a new term for all you readers out there then welcome to a new chapter in your life. Swooping is America’s pastime (not baseball… thats for fags, ill disclose my top ten reasons at a later date). Its the only decent reason to subject yourself to the crowded slop-fuck bars surrounding any worthy college campus. Thats the porkteam’s gridiron, their place of business, their field of dreams. Where the opponents are the unequivocally awful pairing of tapout t-shirt wearing assholes and a relentless onslaught of frat boy douche bags and the prize is a moderately fair looking girl sprinkled with insecurities and topped with an uncanny need to please.

Assuming this sort of thing sounds like an absolute blast to you keep in mind the following tips and tricks of the trade:

1) No doesn’t mean no, it means rephrase the question and try again in a few seconds.

2) Don’t swoop a fellow swooper, he will likely return the favor.

3) When making a seemingly bold claim have a phony business card at the ready. They’ll think, “no one would actually go to the trouble of lying about all of this and have a fake business card too” and they’ll be wrong.

4) Most importantly, don’t swoop a fat chick. This is more of a self reminder than anything but its true. Odds are the girl is married to the poor bastard talking to her or the guy is at his whits end and is settling on failure for the night. Either dangerous combo could lead to a tussle.

All that being said I leave you today with a few swoops for your viewing pleasure. Good luck and god speed.

A presidential swoop

Swoop Fried Rice

A little late for a swoop but play on playa

My First Swoop