Mythical Man Move #1: The ClamTower

Here at the Pork headquarters you’d be hard pressed to tell a tale of true debauchery without being asked if you successfully completed mythical man move #1: the clam tower. A true treat for any unsuspecting lady, it was invented in ancient Mesopotamia by the epic hero Gilgamesh. According to Sumerian scholars  good ol’ Gilga had the knack for nurturing the naughty bits. On his heroic quest he stopped off on the isle of Lesbos for a little r&r and learned the fine art of the muff dive. Inspired, he tooted on down to the local pub in search of local lady deserving of such an unpalatable manuever. No such women were found so Gilga did what modern day men might be inclined to call “hogging”. Essentially he drank enough to pound it out with a fat chick. However, Gilga never shied  away from a challenge so when the time came for the hog dive he took a deep breath bent down and in one swift movement heaved the woman into the air, caught her with her legs over his shoulders, and went to clam town. In memory of his tastebud sacrifice, the Porkteam has honored this hero with a permanent sex move name known affectionately as the clam tower. In addition the Gilgamesh Method was established which seems to be at least 60% effective in determining a girl’s overall sex appeal. Instead of ranking according to looks the scale ends with a 10 meaning that a successful clamtower would be a thing of ease with little to no back pain the next day and no odiferous compounds expected while a 1 would indicate an absolute certainty that the the lifter would endure lasting injury including but not limited to several slipped discs and at least one blown out knee. In addition the feaster would expect the clam in question to taste of kitty litter and aged capicola. To be clear here, the move and scale is explained pictorially below:

Ancient Cave Drawing of the ClamTower

This is a 10

This is a 1. In fact this was wildly offensive to look up.


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