Baseball – The bastard stepchild of sports

Lets just get right down to it. Baseball is for fags, losers, and non-athletes. Here’s why:

10. Women can play it. By very definition this disqualifies it from being a sport.

Clean-up Pitcher for the Boston Bon-Bons

9. Morbid obesity is neither frowned upon nor is it a detriment to baseball performance.

Here stands the pinnacle of pitching prowess with D-cup tits and capri pants at no extra charge

8. Its played with pants on and a chew in. This isnt gay but it is fucking silly so its making the list.

7. The coach wears the same dumbass uniform that the players do.

You sir are cruddin. Not only is your job on the field ridiculous but so is your attire.

6. Getting on a base 45% of the time is considered great though its worth no points. Only a guy willing to settle on boning another guy would be okay with failure being grounds for making the all star team.

5. There are only three possible highlights of baseball. Fat guy hits it over an arbitrarily placed fence of varying depth (based on no standardized rule). Fat guy hits it… Puerto Rican catches it, or fat guy hits it and stereotypical flat billed goatee’d dickface drops it. Thats it.

4. There are 2,430 games in the MLB regular season. Assuming 3 scores total in each game and and an active roster of 25 people per team that works out to an astounding 182,250 congratulatory post score pats on the ass per season.

If this isn't gay then neither is Elton John

3. The overtly complicated hand signals. Seriously? Don’t act like there are plays in baseball. You hit the ball and you jog to the next base. And even if you did have set plays. Do you really need thirty hand signals that involve grabbing your dick, scratching your ass, and wiping your nose? You might as well just say, “Hey guy with the bat, run that play where you hit the ball far and we get a point.”

Pure genius right here

2. Its considered exciting when a game ends with a team never getting on base. You’d have to be completely fucked in the head to like watching a game where one team blew so hard. Which coincident would have it, is a pre-req for being a faggot.

1. Alex Rodriguez

Must have been a sale on a pair of balls at first base

Leave it to a baseball player to make smoking a cigar into something phallic and offputting


One response to “Baseball – The bastard stepchild of sports

  1. While I appreciate the hilarity of some of your points, I would have to argue that baseball is far from being the bastard step-child of sports. Maybe baseball is not so much like a fine wine, and is getting a tad worse with age, I would still argue that there are many merits as to why it is nothing short of one of the most badass sports of all time. Relative to point #9, who wants to take the time to be “in-shape”? If you could be an unkempt fat slob and make millions, hell, why not? That brings me to my next point, the money. The money to be made in baseball is only surpassed by that of the millions of £ to be made in Euro futbol. Think about it this way, Matt Forte, arguably the best player at his position in the NFL, is risking life and limb this year to at the best, make $20 million over the next 4 or 5 years from the Chicago Bears. CJ Wilson, a third starter at best, a guy who will be relegated to the bullpen in the playoffs due to his propensity to melt-down under pressure just signed a six year contract with the LA Angels for $78 million! Now, while expanding waist lines, and millions of bucks are all well-and-good, let’s touch on a few topics that I know the Porkteam really cares about! Let’s start with fornication. A heralded past time of any ball player who’s ever stepped foot on the diamond. Some of the most spectacular fornicators to have ever graced God’s green earth were baseball players. Babe Ruth, The Babe, the Sultan of Swat, the Titan of Terror, The Colossus of Clout, the King of Crash, not only had an innumerable amount of badass nicknames, but he also was a renowned fornicator, and a respected boozer. During his heyday of boozing and slamming the hatchet wound he was still able to wallop 70 dingers in a single season (which was shorter than the 162 game marathon ballplayers endure these days, but that’s baseball statistics and neither here nor there for the porkteam). A modern day example would be my man Chipper Jones, who told his parents to “suck it” shortly after he was born by deciding to go by Chipper, and not Larry. Chipper pulled a regular Arnie and fathered a mystery child with a Hooters babe that his first wife didn’t find out about for quite some time. Not only are we talking fornicating fellas, we’re talking infidelity, as well! Let’s move on to our second point, beating ass. When it comes to baseball players opening up a can of whoop ass, visions of old man Nolan Ryan giving Robin Ventura an old fashioned knuckle dusting crop up into my head and in turn cause a huge smile to cross my face, If watching someone pull a regular Darren Vaughn on some unsuspecting fool is more your style, I suggest you watch this clip of Kyle Farnsworth forming up this foolish Cincinnati Red with a perfect stroke, Farnsworth used to be a linebacker back in his high school heydays, but ultimately settled on baseball. I’m assuming because he thought getting to wear pajamas to work everyday, and potentially unleashing unholy hell on some unsuspecting jack-off would be more fun than getting his head pounded-in on a daily basis. Hell, even Ty Cobb knew how to rumble back in the day. The stories of Cobb jumping up into the stands to attack men, women, children, disabled people, are good old-fashioned stories for any Silent Generation grandpa to recant to his great-grandchildren. Who hasn’t wanted to beat the shit out of a disabled person anyway??? Only me? Okay, whatever. Last but not least, we’ve got all kinds of sexual abuse allegations cropping up in the other 2 of the big 3 of sports in our nation at an alarming rate! When’s the last time you heard of a baseball coach that liked little boy’s wee wee’s? Sure, do some research and you might be able to find something, but everyone knows about that “one guy” on the football team! For Christ’s sake the owner of the Phoenix Suns prefers male ass rapping over female vag plowing! Don’t get me started on the former NBA & NCAA basketballers coming out of the closet. That’s just gross! Hopefully I’ve laid out a few points for you gentleman to consider the next time you’ve got an opportunity to catch a game at the ballpark rather than watch this week’s episode of Tosh.0.

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